So, I can't really sleep right now, not sure why. But, seizing this opportunity, I decided that I ought to go through a long overdue catharsis.
It started out with me just cleaning out some of my inbox. I haven't the heart to delete all the e-mails from her yet, so I just put them all into one big folder. It still...hurts. Well, I wasn't initially planning on reading them, but then, starting from the beginning (end of August, 2006), I did. The first e-mails we exchanged were so sweet, so shy, so innocent. Trivial stuff, but the stuff that the beginnings of love are made of (which sounds bad when speaking of love, but when you think of how much trivial stuff there is in the world, indeed it adds up to a lot). I can't believe how much I loved her, how much I still love her; it honestly doesn't make much sense. The attachment is still there. So many things still remind me of her. I guess that's what happens when you spend a year of your life with another person. It was honestly the best year of my life. She said it was the best year of her life too, but I don't know if I can believe her anymore. I love her, but I don't believe in her, and I think that's an integral part of a mutual love. Trust and belief.
Honestly, I don't think she believed much in me either, considering I gave her plenty of reasons not to. There are things that I never told her, things that I wouldn't write on livejournal. I didn't tell her that there were things that I hadn't told her, and she never asked, but I'm sure it occurred to her sometime or another that I hadn't told her everything about me. Hell, there were times when I outright told her I wanted to have sex with a lot of different girls. That was in our "mid-relationship crisis", you could call it. But I realized not too long after that that I didn't really care about having sex with other girls (although indeed my sexual appetite is too strong for my own good). I told her that. I told her I thought about marrying her (which she said to me first, so nothing to do with the scaring her off thing). Her leaving was so difficult; it was the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Even when she told me that she didn't love me anymore in that e-mail, that god damned e-mail, I didn't cry as much as I did then.
Getting up to our e-mails to one another after she went to Japan, it's just a noticeable arc downward with affection; starting off slowly diminishing, then suddenly just drops off. That's when I realize all the times she really, truly lied to me, though perhaps she did not mean to. She did. "I'll love you forever," "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," "I promise I'll hug you and kiss you when you get here." Well, maybe she did mean what she said about missing me toward the beginning of the summer. But the rest, the rest indeed has turned out to be entirely fallacy. Reading it really evoked angry thoughts in me, causing me to utter "liar" when I read any of those bullshit promises. Just so...fickle it seems. But I can't blame her for being fickle. She's young and so am I. Fickle seems an inadequate word anyways. Just not quite right.
Well, that does feel a bit better. I just realized I haven't really talked to anybody about the rise and fall of our romantic empire. Writing it on livejournal isn't exactly like talking to somebody about it. I think if I talked to somebody about it I might cry.
Well, I believe this journal entry is quite long enough. Good night.
Current Music: Scream loud, scream sayonara