And as I walked out the door, the sidewalk spoke to me.
"Do you feel loved?" No.
"How often do you love?" Always.
"Why are you here?"
Why am I here? And will you really listen?

*sigh* I think I fucked up and I can't go back. I shouldn't have broken up with her. I'm so stupid. I love her so much. You can't go back, can you? I told her, I told her I still love her, but does she still love me? Or did she completely give up on me when I hurt her so badly?

And now everyone I know thinks of me as an Asian chaser and apparently little else. I quickly grow weary of this situation. Sometimes I think I just shouldn't talk to anyone at all, then at least they'll just think of me as an outsider instead of whatever they think of me now.

I wish I could be back in Japan with her forever. I don't think I've been happy, not truly happy since we broke up.

And am I unable to be the least bit attractive to American women or actually just women that speak English in general. Am I a different person when I speak Japanese? Does cynicism pervade my speech so thoroughly? Why don't apologies change anything? I'm able to make friends (I think), so how am I unable to move beyond that?

All the girls I've had any (literally any) feelings for since Aya have for the most part not been attracted to me or already were interested in someone else. The only girl I actually dated (for like 2 weeks) I quickly realized was little more than a rebound.

And on top of all this I'm way behind in all of my schoolwork. About the only good thing I've done this semester is start working out more often, which pretty much just consists of pushups.

Lately I have also found that my violent fantasies (not sexual) have been increasing. When I'm walking down the street and see someone, anyone, often the first thing I imagine is jumping on them, sinking my teeth into their neck, and then pummeling them.

I think I'm going to start writing on here more often.

I GOT IN!!!!! I'm going to the University of Minnesota next semester!!!!

Well, I gotta get ready, I'm going to the hot springs today. It's a celebration, bitches.

-Found out I will not be refunded for my plane ticket home, leaving me with almost no money

-Got an e-mail from my mom today saying she got a letter from UM (she didn't say when) that said I'm still missing 3 things from my application

-Last day at the only job I had left because my contract expired and I can't serve another contract for 3 months

-Have come to the realization that it would be basically impossible to get another job here without lying because nobody wants to hire a foreigner for 3 months of work

More to come soon, I'm sure. I'm sleepy. Maybe things will go right in my dreams.

Yeah right, shit doesn't even go well in my dreams.

"Either Southerners will start improving themselves, or they'll be sold to middle-class Asians as pets."

QOTD

/onion

So, I can't really sleep right now, not sure why. But, seizing this opportunity, I decided that I ought to go through a long overdue catharsis.

Saori.

It started out with me just cleaning out some of my inbox. I haven't the heart to delete all the e-mails from her yet, so I just put them all into one big folder. It still...hurts. Well, I wasn't initially planning on reading them, but then, starting from the beginning (end of August, 2006), I did. The first e-mails we exchanged were so sweet, so shy, so innocent. Trivial stuff, but the stuff that the beginnings of love are made of (which sounds bad when speaking of love, but when you think of how much trivial stuff there is in the world, indeed it adds up to a lot). I can't believe how much I loved her, how much I still love her; it honestly doesn't make much sense. The attachment is still there. So many things still remind me of her. I guess that's what happens when you spend a year of your life with another person. It was honestly the best year of my life. She said it was the best year of her life too, but I don't know if I can believe her anymore. I love her, but I don't believe in her, and I think that's an integral part of a mutual love. Trust and belief.

Honestly, I don't think she believed much in me either, considering I gave her plenty of reasons not to. There are things that I never told her, things that I wouldn't write on livejournal. I didn't tell her that there were things that I hadn't told her, and she never asked, but I'm sure it occurred to her sometime or another that I hadn't told her everything about me. Hell, there were times when I outright told her I wanted to have sex with a lot of different girls. That was in our "mid-relationship crisis", you could call it. But I realized not too long after that that I didn't really care about having sex with other girls (although indeed my sexual appetite is too strong for my own good). I told her that. I told her I thought about marrying her (which she said to me first, so nothing to do with the scaring her off thing). Her leaving was so difficult; it was the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Even when she told me that she didn't love me anymore in that e-mail, that god damned e-mail, I didn't cry as much as I did then.

Getting up to our e-mails to one another after she went to Japan, it's just a noticeable arc downward with affection; starting off slowly diminishing, then suddenly just drops off. That's when I realize all the times she really, truly lied to me, though perhaps she did not mean to. She did. "I'll love you forever," "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," "I promise I'll hug you and kiss you when you get here." Well, maybe she did mean what she said about missing me toward the beginning of the summer. But the rest, the rest indeed has turned out to be entirely fallacy. Reading it really evoked angry thoughts in me, causing me to utter "liar" when I read any of those bullshit promises. Just so...fickle it seems. But I can't blame her for being fickle. She's young and so am I. Fickle seems an inadequate word anyways. Just not quite right.

Well, that does feel a bit better. I just realized I haven't really talked to anybody about the rise and fall of our romantic empire. Writing it on livejournal isn't exactly like talking to somebody about it. I think if I talked to somebody about it I might cry.

Well, I believe this journal entry is quite long enough. Good night.

Is anyone else fucking sick of people leaving out "to be" in sentences with the word "need" that seems to have picked up in the past few years? "Oh, this needs fixed," "It's a disease that needs cured." It makes you sound like a fucking retard, and if I happen to hear any of my friends using it, I may have to go grammar Nazi on your ass. I think the first time I heard it was when I was working at my school's computer center and some clearly mentally incompetent girl who also worked there said it. I thought nothing of it at the time, but then I saw it in several e-mails and notes. I didn't say anything about it, considering that our manager was also using it.

I hate people who don't know how to use this language properly. Same with ebonics.

/rant

Oh, and speaking of ebonics, if any of you are amused by people who suck at naming their children, go here for a laugh: Haha, Alabama.

1.) I was wrong. She figured it out.

2.) First kiss today. Awesome.

3.) Fuck yeah.

Okay, so I'm playing typershark when I should be writing the rest of a speech or sleeping. I just got the word EIGENVECTOR. What the fuck, man? Come on, at least give me words that are useful to type. As if I'm going to be able to work eigenvector into the next conversation I have on MSN.

Pretty positive that that girl is never going to work her feelings out. Time to move on, self. Definitely another girl that seems to like me. My shallow side says I could do better, but my libido says...well...fuck it.

Been spending too much time lately on this game called Tales of Pirates. Fucking sweet game. Free to play as well. I wonder how games like that make any money at all. It looks like a lot of time when into its design, and there can't be THAT many people that buy the silly things from their item shop just for a game character...can there? If there are enough to keep an entire game maintenance portion of a company paid, then I weep for humanity.

The highlight of my day today was when I said, "Look out, snake!" (in Japanese of course) to my host mom and she jumped and looked scared for a second, then got mad and tried to hit me.

Good times.

Or so it feels. That girl, Aya, she finally told me she likes me about a week ago. Promptly after which she said she still feels guilty about the boy she just broke up with, told me she needs to sort out her feelings, and decided it would be better if we didn't talk to or hang out with each other until she is able to. I've been waiting for a week, but I can't wait for her forever. I frankly don't even believe she will sort out her feelings and realize that she likes me. Well, sorry to see this one get away, but there are indeed many fish in this little lake.

Downloaded and watched The Hobbit today. What an excellent movie with a number of excellent quotes, out of which my favorite this time around was this:

Child of the kindly West, I have come to know, if more of us valued your ways - food and cheer above hoarded gold - it would be a merrier world.

-Thorin to Bilbo, as Thorin lay dying

Don't try to convince me the movie is shit either, just because the book is better, for this is a fact of which I am already aware.

Yesterday I started playing this game called Hobowars, maybe some of you will appreciate it:
Click me.

I'm not gonna lie, I get money for referring you, but it is pretty fun. Give it a shot. Even if you don't really wanna play, sign up so I can get the moneyz.

So much more complicated than I thought it was going to be, but in the end, the result was what I thought it was going to be.

So, she liked another guy before she met me. Then she met me, and we got to know each other. Then she and I start hanging out together. Well, they also regularly hang out together. Then they go out for...a day. Then they break up. Well, I told her I liked her on Friday. She told me she doesn't know if she likes me like that. Then she told me the rest of the story. I've asked her to hang out a couple times since then, and she's had an excuse every time. Perhaps coincidence, but then again, something doesn't feel right. Seems like she's already made her decision.

Girls suck. Cody, someday you and I shall have a debate on whether boys or girls are worse to try to start relationships with. Perhaps equal?

So, haven't posted in a while, have I? A little drunk right now, so why not.

Well, in case you didn't already know, Saori and I broke up around the end of August. Well, it was so much a "we broke up" kind of thing as "she broke up with me". She liked another guy, so I let her go. I love her, so I want her to be happy. I hope she's happy now.

School has been pretty awesome. Well, not so much school as everything surrounding school. Classes are soso. Frankly far too long. 3 hours a day, 4 days a week. I would say we waste a good hour every class. They'd be better off shortening them.

Had sex with a girl, turned out to be a one-nighter. Too bad, she was sweet. She just started ignoring me though. Well, fuck her.

I'm kinda in like with a girl right now. Her name is Aya. She's really cute. I'm dying to kiss her.

Is my life shallow? Seems like it right now. But fuck it, I just want some female company. And Aya's voice is beautiful.

I'm leaving for Sapporo tomorrow (I'm in Kyoto now). I'll post what my address is in Sapporo when I get to my host family's house, because for some reason I can't access my school e-mail right now. My cell phone e-mail address right now is andrew-ouji@softbank.ne.jp, but don't send me really long e-mails because it costs me ￥15 to view them. Short and to the point is key. Should anyone want to call my cell phone, it is 090-6601-9330. That is, if you can figure out how to use a phone card. It always takes me like 5 tries to get it right.

In Japan.

Bitches.

I feel more and more like I'm losing her, like she's actively trying to forget I exist.

I don't know why she does these things to me, all I've ever wanted to do is make her happy...was I forcing her to love me? I thought love was something you had to work at, and so I did. Whenever she tried to leave or break up, I stopped her, I kept holding on, because I knew that she loved me...

Maybe I wasn't meant for an eternal love. She said she'd love me forever, but I guess as David Bowie said, "No one can blame you for walking away." I said I'd love her forever too. I meant it. And I guess that really sucks for me.

What will happen with us when I get to Japan?

For those people that would like to see it, this is a little blog I made for Joy to post pictures of the baby: Sebastian Lowe Ensign.

There are some pictures on there already.

This is in the order these e-mails were sent.

First, I sent her a picture of Joy's baby, and I told her I would send her more after the baby was out of the hospital.

"Thank you :) I like babyyy!
I'm happy too, because I could talk to you. Recently I was thinking
about we have to quit our relationship, but it's wrong. We don't have
to :)"

At this point, I'm kinda just saying to myself, "I knew it, I knew I felt something was wrong..."

Now I did something stupid.

"Ohhhh, goooood. I don't want to break up with you sweetie. I'll love you forever. :)

But, please tell me why you thought that we have to quit, sweetie."

Did I really have to know? Was that necessary? Couldn't that have waited until I get to Japan?

The respective answers are no, no, and yes.

Then I get this e-mail:
"Because I think you are childish and rude to another girl.
And I think it's difficult about we are keep going to our
relationship, because our distance are very far. And I afraid of if I
have another important person... then absolutely I can't be move.

Recently I don't love you.. just I like you :'( Sorry you are not
fault. It's my fault.
You don't have to forgive me."

This little icepick chipped a piece of my heart. I started to panic. And cry. It was 2:45 a.m. I wanted to call someone. Who would be up? Who would understand? So I called Ava. She helped me calm down and we talked for a while about stuffs. I talked to a few other people also.

I sent a few frantic e-mails while talking to people:
"But please wait for me! Just a few more weeks! Please give us one more chance, Saori. I know you love me. I really do. I don't want to break up with you, because I love you so much.

And please tell me what girl I was rude to."

and
"Please, can I still stay with you?"

I really do believe that she still loves me, she's just forgotten what it's like to be with me. My friend Saki made a really good point; she said, "yeah, that's one of the reasons...you're in place where you guys spent time together, but she's not". That makes sense to me. A little while later, I got this e-mail:

"Yeah, you can stay with me :) But please memorise sometimes I think about like that..."

Slowly relief washed over me. I realized that she doesn't want to break up now, and this second chance is just what I need. It actually might be a little fun making her realize that she still loves me.

Oh, and Joy had a baby.

...it's my birthday.

I don't know if I'll really be having a party this year. I don't need one really. If you were planning on getting me a present (which I don't really expect, since I'm kind of a dick), the only thing I really need is money. You see, the refund from my partnership loan won't come in until 2 weeks after school starts, which will be like September 10th or so. It's really my fault that I don't have money though. I kinda tried to get a job, but I get discouraged when I get turned down for 3 jobs, even with having a sister who works where 2 of the jobs were.

Ahh, fuck.

You guys should go here: http://www.hrc.org/FightHate.

Send an e-mail or something to a senator. This hate crimes bill needs to pass for the good of the country. But hey, I'm preachin' to the choir, right? Just check out the video on that page.