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09 April 2009 @ 11:48 pm
And as I walked out the door, the sidewalk spoke to me.
"Do you feel loved?" No.
"How often do you love?" Always.
"Why are you here?"
Why am I here? And will you really listen?
Current Music: System of a Down - Psycho
09 April 2009 @ 05:36 pm
*sigh* I think I fucked up and I can't go back. I shouldn't have broken up with her. I'm so stupid. I love her so much. You can't go back, can you? I told her, I told her I still love her, but does she still love me? Or did she completely give up on me when I hurt her so badly?

And now everyone I know thinks of me as an Asian chaser and apparently little else. I quickly grow weary of this situation. Sometimes I think I just shouldn't talk to anyone at all, then at least they'll just think of me as an outsider instead of whatever they think of me now.

I wish I could be back in Japan with her forever. I don't think I've been happy, not truly happy since we broke up.

And am I unable to be the least bit attractive to American women or actually just women that speak English in general. Am I a different person when I speak Japanese? Does cynicism pervade my speech so thoroughly? Why don't apologies change anything? I'm able to make friends (I think), so how am I unable to move beyond that?

All the girls I've had any (literally any) feelings for since Aya have for the most part not been attracted to me or already were interested in someone else. The only girl I actually dated (for like 2 weeks) I quickly realized was little more than a rebound.

And on top of all this I'm way behind in all of my schoolwork. About the only good thing I've done this semester is start working out more often, which pretty much just consists of pushups.

Lately I have also found that my violent fantasies (not sexual) have been increasing. When I'm walking down the street and see someone, anyone, often the first thing I imagine is jumping on them, sinking my teeth into their neck, and then pummeling them.

I think I'm going to start writing on here more often.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Mando Diao - This Dream Is Over
17 May 2008 @ 09:13 am
I GOT IN!!!!! I'm going to the University of Minnesota next semester!!!!

Well, I gotta get ready, I'm going to the hot springs today. It's a celebration, bitches.
Current Music: Josie and the Pussycats
-Found out I will not be refunded for my plane ticket home, leaving me with almost no money

-Got an e-mail from my mom today saying she got a letter from UM (she didn't say when) that said I'm still missing 3 things from my application

-Last day at the only job I had left because my contract expired and I can't serve another contract for 3 months

-Have come to the realization that it would be basically impossible to get another job here without lying because nobody wants to hire a foreigner for 3 months of work

More to come soon, I'm sure. I'm sleepy. Maybe things will go right in my dreams.

Yeah right, shit doesn't even go well in my dreams.
Current Mood: disappointedLacking faith in humanity
22 March 2008 @ 02:25 am
"Either Southerners will start improving themselves, or they'll be sold to middle-class Asians as pets."


Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Green Day (Dookie, of course) and Oohashi Takuya
28 February 2008 @ 04:03 am
So, I can't really sleep right now, not sure why. But, seizing this opportunity, I decided that I ought to go through a long overdue catharsis.


It started out with me just cleaning out some of my inbox. I haven't the heart to delete all the e-mails from her yet, so I just put them all into one big folder. It still...hurts. Well, I wasn't initially planning on reading them, but then, starting from the beginning (end of August, 2006), I did. The first e-mails we exchanged were so sweet, so shy, so innocent. Trivial stuff, but the stuff that the beginnings of love are made of (which sounds bad when speaking of love, but when you think of how much trivial stuff there is in the world, indeed it adds up to a lot). I can't believe how much I loved her, how much I still love her; it honestly doesn't make much sense. The attachment is still there. So many things still remind me of her. I guess that's what happens when you spend a year of your life with another person. It was honestly the best year of my life. She said it was the best year of her life too, but I don't know if I can believe her anymore. I love her, but I don't believe in her, and I think that's an integral part of a mutual love. Trust and belief.

Honestly, I don't think she believed much in me either, considering I gave her plenty of reasons not to. There are things that I never told her, things that I wouldn't write on livejournal. I didn't tell her that there were things that I hadn't told her, and she never asked, but I'm sure it occurred to her sometime or another that I hadn't told her everything about me. Hell, there were times when I outright told her I wanted to have sex with a lot of different girls. That was in our "mid-relationship crisis", you could call it. But I realized not too long after that that I didn't really care about having sex with other girls (although indeed my sexual appetite is too strong for my own good). I told her that. I told her I thought about marrying her (which she said to me first, so nothing to do with the scaring her off thing). Her leaving was so difficult; it was the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Even when she told me that she didn't love me anymore in that e-mail, that god damned e-mail, I didn't cry as much as I did then.

Getting up to our e-mails to one another after she went to Japan, it's just a noticeable arc downward with affection; starting off slowly diminishing, then suddenly just drops off. That's when I realize all the times she really, truly lied to me, though perhaps she did not mean to. She did. "I'll love you forever," "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," "I promise I'll hug you and kiss you when you get here." Well, maybe she did mean what she said about missing me toward the beginning of the summer. But the rest, the rest indeed has turned out to be entirely fallacy. Reading it really evoked angry thoughts in me, causing me to utter "liar" when I read any of those bullshit promises. Just so...fickle it seems. But I can't blame her for being fickle. She's young and so am I. Fickle seems an inadequate word anyways. Just not quite right.

Well, that does feel a bit better. I just realized I haven't really talked to anybody about the rise and fall of our romantic empire. Writing it on livejournal isn't exactly like talking to somebody about it. I think if I talked to somebody about it I might cry.

Well, I believe this journal entry is quite long enough. Good night.
Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Current Music: Scream loud, scream sayonara
25 February 2008 @ 05:16 pm
Is anyone else fucking sick of people leaving out "to be" in sentences with the word "need" that seems to have picked up in the past few years? "Oh, this needs fixed," "It's a disease that needs cured." It makes you sound like a fucking retard, and if I happen to hear any of my friends using it, I may have to go grammar Nazi on your ass. I think the first time I heard it was when I was working at my school's computer center and some clearly mentally incompetent girl who also worked there said it. I thought nothing of it at the time, but then I saw it in several e-mails and notes. I didn't say anything about it, considering that our manager was also using it.

I hate people who don't know how to use this language properly. Same with ebonics.


Oh, and speaking of ebonics, if any of you are amused by people who suck at naming their children, go here for a laugh: Haha, Alabama.
Current Music: Michael Jackson
01 December 2007 @ 08:05 pm
1.) I was wrong. She figured it out.

2.) First kiss today. Awesome.

3.) Fuck yeah.
Current Music: Of Montreal - Rapture Rapes the Muses
26 November 2007 @ 01:13 am
Okay, so I'm playing typershark when I should be writing the rest of a speech or sleeping. I just got the word EIGENVECTOR. What the fuck, man? Come on, at least give me words that are useful to type. As if I'm going to be able to work eigenvector into the next conversation I have on MSN.

Pretty positive that that girl is never going to work her feelings out. Time to move on, self. Definitely another girl that seems to like me. My shallow side says I could do better, but my libido says...well...fuck it.

Been spending too much time lately on this game called Tales of Pirates. Fucking sweet game. Free to play as well. I wonder how games like that make any money at all. It looks like a lot of time when into its design, and there can't be THAT many people that buy the silly things from their item shop just for a game character...can there? If there are enough to keep an entire game maintenance portion of a company paid, then I weep for humanity.

The highlight of my day today was when I said, "Look out, snake!" (in Japanese of course) to my host mom and she jumped and looked scared for a second, then got mad and tried to hit me.

Good times.
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Avenged Sevenfold
21 November 2007 @ 10:17 pm
Or so it feels. That girl, Aya, she finally told me she likes me about a week ago. Promptly after which she said she still feels guilty about the boy she just broke up with, told me she needs to sort out her feelings, and decided it would be better if we didn't talk to or hang out with each other until she is able to. I've been waiting for a week, but I can't wait for her forever. I frankly don't even believe she will sort out her feelings and realize that she likes me. Well, sorry to see this one get away, but there are indeed many fish in this little lake.

Downloaded and watched The Hobbit today. What an excellent movie with a number of excellent quotes, out of which my favorite this time around was this:

Child of the kindly West, I have come to know, if more of us valued your ways - food and cheer above hoarded gold - it would be a merrier world.

-Thorin to Bilbo, as Thorin lay dying

Don't try to convince me the movie is shit either, just because the book is better, for this is a fact of which I am already aware.

Yesterday I started playing this game called Hobowars, maybe some of you will appreciate it:
Click me.

I'm not gonna lie, I get money for referring you, but it is pretty fun. Give it a shot. Even if you don't really wanna play, sign up so I can get the moneyz.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: The Hobbit music