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28 February 2008 @ 04:03 am
Deeeep sigh  
So, I can't really sleep right now, not sure why. But, seizing this opportunity, I decided that I ought to go through a long overdue catharsis.


It started out with me just cleaning out some of my inbox. I haven't the heart to delete all the e-mails from her yet, so I just put them all into one big folder. It still...hurts. Well, I wasn't initially planning on reading them, but then, starting from the beginning (end of August, 2006), I did. The first e-mails we exchanged were so sweet, so shy, so innocent. Trivial stuff, but the stuff that the beginnings of love are made of (which sounds bad when speaking of love, but when you think of how much trivial stuff there is in the world, indeed it adds up to a lot). I can't believe how much I loved her, how much I still love her; it honestly doesn't make much sense. The attachment is still there. So many things still remind me of her. I guess that's what happens when you spend a year of your life with another person. It was honestly the best year of my life. She said it was the best year of her life too, but I don't know if I can believe her anymore. I love her, but I don't believe in her, and I think that's an integral part of a mutual love. Trust and belief.

Honestly, I don't think she believed much in me either, considering I gave her plenty of reasons not to. There are things that I never told her, things that I wouldn't write on livejournal. I didn't tell her that there were things that I hadn't told her, and she never asked, but I'm sure it occurred to her sometime or another that I hadn't told her everything about me. Hell, there were times when I outright told her I wanted to have sex with a lot of different girls. That was in our "mid-relationship crisis", you could call it. But I realized not too long after that that I didn't really care about having sex with other girls (although indeed my sexual appetite is too strong for my own good). I told her that. I told her I thought about marrying her (which she said to me first, so nothing to do with the scaring her off thing). Her leaving was so difficult; it was the most I've ever cried in my entire life. Even when she told me that she didn't love me anymore in that e-mail, that god damned e-mail, I didn't cry as much as I did then.

Getting up to our e-mails to one another after she went to Japan, it's just a noticeable arc downward with affection; starting off slowly diminishing, then suddenly just drops off. That's when I realize all the times she really, truly lied to me, though perhaps she did not mean to. She did. "I'll love you forever," "I miss you," "I can't wait to see you," "I promise I'll hug you and kiss you when you get here." Well, maybe she did mean what she said about missing me toward the beginning of the summer. But the rest, the rest indeed has turned out to be entirely fallacy. Reading it really evoked angry thoughts in me, causing me to utter "liar" when I read any of those bullshit promises. Just so...fickle it seems. But I can't blame her for being fickle. She's young and so am I. Fickle seems an inadequate word anyways. Just not quite right.

Well, that does feel a bit better. I just realized I haven't really talked to anybody about the rise and fall of our romantic empire. Writing it on livejournal isn't exactly like talking to somebody about it. I think if I talked to somebody about it I might cry.

Well, I believe this journal entry is quite long enough. Good night.
Current Mood: refreshedrefreshed
Current Music: Scream loud, scream sayonara
(Deleted comment)
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 05:40 am (UTC)
Well, we were going through a rough time in our relationship (we didn't have sex for like 2 or 3 weeks, and trust me, that's saying a lot) and I was having a hard time in my head with the idea of commitment. I'm not making any excuses though, it was a stupid thing to say.
(Deleted comment)
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Nono, I didn't tell her I wanted to have sex with other girls right at that time, I just told her that I wanted to have sex with a lot of girls before I really commit myself to one girl.
(Deleted comment)
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 08:53 pm (UTC)
Actually, the period of extreme contentment right after sex is what I have come to love. That's what's in my heart. But when I see a hot girl, my libido says, "THAT ONE, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE, GET HER!"

Apparently, sowing my seeds is really hardwired into my genes. It's quite frustrating. But I'm past that, I think. It's especially terrible since, and I'm not bragging or anything, but it would be ridiculously easy for me to just go to a club and find a girl for the night. I'm not saying Japanese girls are easy, it's just that I'm American and I can speak Japanese. It's my erm...ticket to ride, so to speak. But I'm glad I held out for a girl I actually like, my sweet little Aya.

Speaking of Aya, I have found many Japanese girls to have a complex regarding the appearance of their legs. Do you know if this is limited to Japanese girls or is it a common thing in America as well?
maSOkiStstarweblet on February 27th, 2008 11:20 pm (UTC)
First loves and broken hearts always burn the most. Even thinking back over ten years, at times it'll still make me cry. Broken hearts don't really mend, do they... Time just pushes it further back in your mind.

I miss you terribly. When do you return from your Japanese adventures? I'm thinking about maybe moving in with Joy in a few months, saving up some money to move out west. You still owe me a postcard by the way. There's not such thing as a bad one. Anything would tickle me pink. Actually, at this point I believe you owe me at least three. Step on it little bro!!!
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 06:30 am (UTC)
Not exactly my first love, though it was the first time I've ever lived with a girl.

I actually don't know when I'll be going back, seeing as I don't have enough money for a plane ticket now. I would get refunded for the plane ticket, but I just don't have enough money for one at the moment. "...saving some money to move out west."<-lol, you sound like a cowboy wannabe. I found you an awesome postcard, by the way. Still live on W. Division?
maSOkiStstarweblet on February 28th, 2008 07:30 am (UTC)
Sho nuff. Aren't you in school there? Don't you have student loan access or something? I mean, you can't just stay there indefinitely, can you?
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 07:44 am (UTC)
Of course I can't just stay here indefinitely. But I pay my tuition to BV and BV sort of fucked me over in that I had to pay another $2100 over this past month because they split my loan without telling me about it. So I have about $200 at the moment.

Anyways, it would be nice if someone would buy my plane ticket then I could pay them back with the refund from BV. I could always ask Chris. HAH.
maSOkiStstarweblet on February 28th, 2008 08:11 am (UTC)
When is school done there for the year?
Chris... that is a laugh. Unfortunately I am fairly unemployed at the moment. Otherwise I'd help you out if I could.
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 08:45 am (UTC)
School should finish up sometime in July.
~Wolf~bluewolf_88 on February 28th, 2008 01:43 am (UTC)
Man, life's a bitch. Now, love--love is the emotional equivalent...of...I dunno, some mega-grade uberbitch.
All those woulda coulda shoulda's just make things worse. Don't get me started on romance right now...ugh.

It's good to hear from you, I haven't seen/talked to you in eons. Hope Japan is amazing and everything you hoped for. Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy. You deserve it.
Andrewmousiee on February 28th, 2008 11:33 am (UTC)
I don't know about the deserving it part, but it is amazing. We'll have to catch up after I get back stateside.